Open Letter Draft #2

Reflecting back on my freshman year of college,  I wonder how I dealt with everything. Never before has more changed in my life than how much changed throughout the months of August 2017 and September 2018. Beginning college is a stressful task in itself. Making new friends is stressful. Stress about your roommates, classes, etc, I can’t get too much into it, but besides all those stresses that automatically come with beginning school, I added on another by entering my freshman year already 2 years deep into a fully committed, long-distance relationship with my long-distance boyfriend at the time. When we finally broke up, it had been almost 3 years. Now this amount of time may not seem too long, but looking back, that time time was spent constantly worrying about someone else, dedicating boatloads of time and effort into a relationship with the same person every day for just about 900 days. It really changed me. Being in a relationship with someone, especially for that long can teach you a lot about yourself. It’s kind of scary. You learn things maybe you didn’t want to know.

After being at college for around 6 months or so, we broke up. It became more and more toxic as the months went by, but honestly, I think our relationship had ended long before we made the actual cut. Our relationship was unhealthy and not ok and I could talk about it for a long time but that’s not necessarily why I began writing this letter. It is, however, significant because not only do I know for a fact that I would have been far more depressed if I had chosen to stay with him, but most importantly, I know for a fact my entire life would have been completely and utterly different than it is now. I wouldn’t have made the friends I have now, I wouldn’t have gone on all the eye-opening trips I’ve had so much fun on, I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had or learned the lessons that came with them, I wouldn’t have grown in all the ways I have and I wouldn’t be the happy, self-respecting person I am today. You really don’t realize how much one person can hold you back until they aren’t relevant anymore. I know I didn’t know. I also didn’t know just how sad I really was. I thought I was living life happily for a long time, but compared to how I’m doing now, looking back, I wasn’t really living at all.

Nevertheless, I don’t want to leave you under the impression that I regret the 2.5 years we spent together, when in reality, I wouldn’t take it back if I could. I’ve learned that love is a serious drug, that the mere act of “being in love” with someone isn’t reason enough to remain with them. It is quite possible to find your soulmate but later come to realize that you aren’t meant to be together. It was an obnoxiously stressful school year, and the break up was just one of the many unfortunate events. I discovered parts of myself, however, I never knew I had and I learned to recognize these parts of myself as well as to forgive and respect myself.

I think the scariest part of ending our relationship was the thought I’d become lonely, but even in solitude you are left to your subconscious and the thoughts and feelings that live there. I’ve spent so much time with myself these past several months, long enough I think to grasp what I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time: This year I learned how to be alone, but in the years leading up it wasn’t something I didn’t know I didn’t know how to do. I wish I could go back and magically grant you all the knowledge I have now, minus all the pain and hurt that came with it, but that would be besides the point. I want you to know that it’s okay to be alone, more than okay actually. Being alone does not necessarily insinuate loneliness. I want you to take the time to hang out with yourself and get to know yourself a little more, because the more you do, the more you’ll realize how un-alone you really are.